Poetry Testing, A Four Step Approach
License Poets Today
Sample Poetry Testing Poll
How did my poem "Why I love cats" make you feel?
Now is the time for the Federal Bureau of Poetry
I tend to avoid bad poetry except under controlled conditions. I was thinking about all of the damage that uncontrolled poetry can do. I believe that a simple testing and licensing bureau should be set up.
The Federal Bureau of Poetry would oversee the use and ramifications of poetry. Like the FDA, they could recall poetry that proved harmful. Nothing is too good for the good folks of the USA.
The creation of the FBP will also be a stimulus to growth. Jobs to evaluate poetry will be created throughout the United States. Vast archives of poems will have to be housed in a special vault under a large mountain. Highly dangerous poetry can be licensed to the Pentagon for military uses.
Here is the preliminary testing procedure for all poetry:
Phase 1: Test on your pets. If you cat or dog dies or gets ill within 24 hours, don't publish.
Phase 2: Your neighbor's children. Test the poem on children. If they are harmed, blaming it on "society" is not permissible.
Phase 3: Test them at work. If you retain your dignity and your job, you move to phase 4. If you kill the elderly or weak, the poem should be discarded.
Phase 4: Publish your work. Now it's in the wild. You may want to put a poll on the page with choices such as "This poem caused me intense, unbearable pain," "I vomited after reading this poem," or "OMG, LOLZ, I luv this!!! ;)".
If the poem passes all four phases, it can then be evaluated by the Federal Bureau of Poetry before wider distribution. If you fail to do the required testing, jail time and fines would be appropriate. Tarring and feathering might be more appropriate.
After having published an arbitrary number of poems, you should receive your "Professional Poetaster" license. While this will not guarantee every poem is harmless, it will help control uncontrolled poeting. Poem-offs or hand-to-hand poeting might be necessary to decide who gets the more coveted places and titles withing the world of poem writing.
No effort should be spared to protect the weak. The innocent shall suffer no more. Plus, it should spur the economy as millions dust off their teen-age poems and submit them for testing.
