5 Really Stupid Car Names

For years auto makers have come up with some weird names for cars. Honestly, I could grab a dictionary, open it to a random page, and with my eyes closed come up with a new name. Give me a second here. . . Ok, maybe not. Using an Encyclopedia of Military Biography I hit Lyman L. Lemnitzer. Unless you're marketing it in eastern Europe, I don't think the Lemnitzer is going to go over big. That was my 2nd, more successful try. The first, in my Big Ol' Dictionary, was Superfecundation; that would be how you get non-identical twins, if you're wondering. We won't try that again, but you'll see where I'm going.

In classic, defunct production models, we had the Chevrolet Nova. Nice, 70s space theme, until marketed in Spanish speaking countries where No Va means, No Go. Yep, the Chevy No Go. Hopefully the marketing guys now run the names by a panel of folks who speak more than American English before sending Detroit's finest abroad. Except they don't, well, at least Tokyo doesn't. The Nissan Murano comes surprisingly close to the Spanish word for Pig. So, I doubt they're lining up south of the border for their Muranos.

1) Ford Focus. Focus? Have you been drinking? Smoking something you shouldn't ought? Are your prescription meds giving you problems? Or are you just ADHD? Really, Ford, Focus? It sounds like something that the head of marketing told his brainstorming group: Focus, we've got to come up with a name for this car or we're all fired.

2) Buick LaCrosse. I had this vague notion it was a game played with a net and a stick. Yep, it is. American Indians played it. The French name for the game stuck. It means..."The Crook." Not only have you just bought a Buick, whose average owner (based on looking at them as they drive by) is 95 years old, you bought one called The Crook. Hopefully, you're either a lawyer or used car salesman. In fact, that would make the name downright ironic, wouldn't it?

3) Honda Element. Are we talking about the periodic table here? Is it the wrong group of people, i.e. a bad element? Perhaps we mean it in the sense of things can be broken down into their individual components. If this is the case, I can further deduce (since it comes from Japan), that you absolutely do not--ever--want to have a wreck with multiple, differently colored Elements. Not if you don't want to form Voltron.

4) Nissan Rogue. Back when I played Dungeons & Dragons, weren't Rogues some sort of thief? They'd take your stuff and cut your throat. I think that's what they did. Rogue elephants have been known to be pretty dangerous. They kill people, too. Then, in biology, a rogue is "a usually inferior organism." Good job Nissan, you've brought out the Murderous Idiot for the New Year.

5) Toyota Sequoia. Sounds grand. Majestic, even. Then I think of that trip to San Francisco from Seattle when I was a kid. I saw some big trees. They were Sequoias. The Toyota Tree? It handles like a log? Does it float in water? I really don't know. I'm just waiting for the Ford Mesquite, myself.

This is hardly a definitive list, things like the Volkswagen Golf just missed the list. Golf, small car driven by young people, who don't play golf. They should have bought a Rabbit, if they were still available. I can at least see VW's logic with Rabbit, it replaced the Beetle. They should have tried Cricket. That's a fine name for a small car. Like a Beetle, it too can be crushed easily underfoot.

I won't even go into Dodge and its Calibers and Magnums. The names of these things and their marketing strategy seem to be, "Did nature fail to endow you? Did you always want to be a MAN? Buy one of our cars or trucks and your dream will come true."